It's the year 2001 and Noah lives in the United
States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people
and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling,
Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm
covered the earth and all the seas of the earth.
The Lord saw Noah standing in his front yard.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord,
please
forgive me! I had it almost finished!" cried
Noah.
"I did my best, but
there were big problems.
First, I had to get
a permit for construction and your plans
did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system
and flotation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard,
so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service
that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the
Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any
owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National
Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters
on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got
sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me only taking two of each
kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified
me that I could not complete the Ark without filing
an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood.
They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plan.
I sent them a map of the world.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that
I am practicing discrimination by not taking
godless,
unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets,
claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to
flee the country to avoid paying
taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them
some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a "recreational water
craft. As if I had money to burn!!"
Finally,
the ACLU got the courts
to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore,
unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another
5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the
sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth,
Lord."
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I
don't have to.
"THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY
HAS!!!!!"
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